My Baby Loss Story
Pregnancy and Birth
In September 2015 I discovered that I was pregnant. Planned and hoped for after a twelve-year relationship with Simons Dad. When we found out it was a boy we named him Simon. Of course, we were happy and incredibly excited.
I wrote many letters to Simon, telling him how wonderful his future would be. Nothing during my pregnancy indicated what would happen next.
When I was 6 months pregnant I suddenly went into labour. Simon was born that same night on February the 10th 2016.
Five blurry days later he died in my arms.
This was the best and worst moment of my life. The one and only time I would hold my son, while also knowing that he would die.
Loss, Grief and Surviving
When losing our babies we often lose our personal power. You might know that too well. After Simons death, I felt like I can't control anything in life.
I felt hopeless, lost, alone and misunderstood.
I know the feeling of wanting to give up, of living in a parallel world, of questioning and doubting everything, of living with guilt and shame and feeling bad about having good days.
I've found support in an organised group of other women in my situation and counselling sessions. What I always was looking for is a professional who REALLY gets me. Who was where I am and who made it through the darkness.
I found my way out of the darkness, by intensive inner healing with different practitioners and systems.
I researched grief, baby and pregnancy loss, trauma and healing and I discovered the power of using transformational coaching tools, emotional freedom technique energy healing and more to heal and to grow.
By learning I can survive losing the only human being I ever loved unconditionally, I was no longer afraid of letting go of belongings, habits, plans or even relationships that don’t serve me anymore.
I can survive and thrive, through whatever life brings.
I decided to become a certified transformational coach and now it is my mission to help mothers, who lost a baby to heal, using their grief as a chance to grow, to let go of everything that doesn’t serve them anymore and to shape their future, knowing they are strong and powerful.
If you want to start healing on your terms and get your power back, book a complimentary call with me.
I grew up in a village 20km north of Berlin in Germany. Life has been nothing but ordinary. A quiet and thoughtful girl, more serious and sensitive then outgoing and fun.
Around the right people though, I can be crazy, loud and silly.
With 16 I met Simons father, who grew up in the next village. This was the beginning of our 12-year relationship.
My free time I filled with singing in a band and hanging out with friends. I also always loved reading books about personal growth.
After school, I became an early childhood teacher, but instead of working in a kindergarten, I started working in a children's home for children who couldn't live with their family.
I loved working there for a few years before starting to go to University to study educational and music science.
During an exchange semester in London, UK, I was au pair a little girl, who was only 11 months old when I arrived. Experiencing this precious time, increased the feeling I wanted to become a mother, so when coming back to me and my partner decided it was time to stop taking the contraception pill.
6 months later I was holding the pregnancy test in my hand. One of the happiest moments in my life.
During pregnancy, I finished my bachelor thesis comparing early childhood education systems in Germany and Sweden and started my Master.
When Simon was born I was just in a term break. That's when life changed me.
Simons death and this deep loss turned my life upside down.
In my own grieving and healing journey, I went through a lot of other changes in my life.
Losing my baby kicked off a process of reevaluation my life and finding myself. From the moment of complete helplessness, when my son died in my arms, I stepped into my full potential, my own personal power. For Simon.
It started with decluttering my closet and ended with decluttering my life. I ended the relationship with Simons Dad, I decided to do an exchange semester in New Zealand. In New Zealand, I met my partner in crime, an Argentinian Macho who thought me to love myself on a new and deeper level. I decided to stay, which also meant I dropped out of my masters degree, which became irrelevant to me. While starting to study coaching and other healing modalities and going through my own deep healing transformation over the years. To make a living I worked in several jobs from door to door fundraising, over nannying, to working in a primary school, as therapy technician for autistic kids and now I am housekeeping and leading staff in the hotel my partner is managing, while slowly building up my coaching practice at Heal Your Heart After Baby Loss.
Over the years I've struggled in every area of my life, relationships, career, financially and healthwise to finally find a balance and peace within myself. I still consider life as a constant journey, a rollercoaster that brings surprises we sometimes don't want, but I know I can handle everything with the tools that I've learnt in my coaching training and my life.